Agents Of Empire/Turns/28/News

News from the Empire

The following news, rumors, gossip, and back-channel messages have arrived from the empire. Offers all first-come, first-served. Actual facts may differ slightly from those presented. Caveat emptor and all hail the emperor.

POLITICAL NEWS: Pentavian Maximus files motion on Senate Floor .. with his fists! In what was either a disagreement over debate scheduling or valid Scrabble dictionaries, Pentavian Maximus and fellow Imperial-throne candidate Gynxya Qwert actually came to blows, with Pentavian apparently emerging the victor. It remains to be seen what effect this has on public perceptions of the two candidates, but Pentavian is reportedly in talks for a tri-d movie deal entitled "MAXIMUS CARNAGE". In response, fellow candidate Lord Vonfen Pasa called the situation "deplorable" and "distracting from the real issues" while New Lower Prices stated that the fisticuffs were "a great value" and "available for a limited time only".

NOT NEWS: House Jayce announced that there was no news whatsoever from their sector of the galaxy, and any reports to the contrary were merely due to atmospheric vibrations, stochastic ripples, or something similarly science-y.

FASHION NEWS: Hats back in! The long aesthetic drought which began eleven days ago in the haberdashery industry has ended, as designer Vic Valno returned to work saying he had in mind "something pretty snazzy in a number five". Bare-headed citizens across the galaxy breathed a sigh of relief at the news.

SPORTS NEWS: House Topni's robotic astro-polo team destroyed a picked House Kresht team in a series of three matches recently. Commentators are still working out the proper slang for astro-polo, but from what we can decipher, the robots were either twelve feet tall, used lasers, or had prehensile noses.

WEIRD SCIENCE NEWS: Rumor has it, something weird is happening at the colony worlds! Reportedly, a chorus of angels emerged from the wormhole, flew around in a circle blowing trumpets, then flew back in again and vanished. Scientists have scoffed at the rumors, pointing out that trumpets would make no noise in outer space and surely angels would have realized this, but certain theologians have called the rumors "quite interesting", "a sign of the apocalypse" and "the mark of the third child".

News from the Wormhole

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But that's not all -- here are some tidbits from later in the broadcast, stay tuned!

POLITICS: Seve Ballesteros: The Man, the Myth, the Mallet. We'll hear more about his campaign for the imperial throne and how he has no real desire for power but is nevertheless forced into the campaign by the demands of people across the empire, but we'll also hear about his boyhood, how he struggled with growing up not only rich but also extremely handsome.

SPORTS: All the latest in astro-polo! Check out the new HyperTurf being developed on Arroyo, see the '02 line of mallets (theorized), and of course hear the debate over whether Topni's artificial team can defeat good ol' human know-how and stick-to-itiveness.

EXPLOSIONS: Awesome, right? Let's see fifteen minutes of blowing stuff up with ship missiles!

And remember: Interested in buying a ticket to come see the Colony Worlds, becoming a colonist or just buying a copy of the extensive and exciting history of the colonies, complete with up-close footage of the Gwyne invasion? YOU CAN.